The Beginning Feb 7, 2014

ImageHi – this is going to be a very personal blog about my journey. I am 48 years old, born female. The same story you have heard a thousand times – born feeling like I inhabit the wrong body. I subverted the thought much of my life living easily as a lesbian gender non-conforming person. Early last year, visiting my sister who is a therapist working with many trans people, she told me about a study that found gays of my age who are gender non-conforming, if they were younger and in the society we are in now (slightly more open), would have gotten a sex change. This is how I recall it. Anyways, she asked if I ever felt this way. My answer was to burst out crying. I do not cry easlily but truly had no choice. It was a feeling thing and the suppression for so long finally found a crack.

So began my journey of realizing I can make a different decision for myself.

Many of the blogs, videos and websites I have found speak primarily to f-m or m-f transitions. I found only one that spoke to the gender neutral. So I decided to ad  my process to the blogosphere. I hope those who need what I share find it.

I know ultimately I experience myself as male and I know that I have lived my life gender neutral as it felt better than female and more acceptable than trans. I am now exploring if that is enough. I have done therapy for many years and in many ways around the issue. Monday I meet with a physician and will hopefully leave with a prescription for T. I will begin at a low dose 25-50% of fully masculinizing doses and see how that feels and choose daily from there.

This blog will chronicle that journey.

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5 Comments

  1. Wow! Tears here as I read. Having known you some 29 years now and never having put this together. Taking a few breaths and I notice my head and body moving up and down…like an exaggerated Yes! Wow! I love you! I so appreciate you sharing your journey here. I’ve worked with a fair number of F to M 20 somethings….yes, it is a new world. Now thinking about the last time we saw each other and wondering how feeling this incongruence must play out when in large groups….hmmmming….a few more tears and a smile. Loving you my friend and wanting you to have the fullest alignment of your being on all levels. And yay Fern!

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