To react, or not to react

I met with a friend the other day and she said something along the lines of “I have always seen you as a female and I think I always will”. Not a quote but close and it captures the meaning. I am a pretty accepting and patient person and found myself smiling and not saying anything. Thinking: give her time, be patient and one day she will look the fool if she doesn’t adjust. It has been close to a week since we talked and she said this and I don’t think a day has gone by where I haven’t thought about it and felt a knot in my gut around it.

I know everyone in my life has an adjustment period they need to go through around this. Many have known me for decades. I know I need to be patient and tolerant. And I wonder at what point does patience and tolerance border on self harm. I feel I need to say something to her and if I don’t there is a feeling of denial going on in me. Not that I am in denial about my identity – I will not do that again. But somehow in  not standing up for myself…maybe it is a simple as denying the pain she causes by staying so stuck. Somehow I perceive her statement as an affront and as a denial about the reality of my experience – as if her experience of me is more true and real then my experience of myself. This really does piss me off as in all my years as a human being I know no one can know me better than I know myself. Mostly it hurts. My experience is real. I want to tell her and anyone else for that matter who try to keep me in the box of a female that in so doing they are disrespecting me and my experience. And then I get caught in not wanting to disrespect anyone else’s experience which I likely border on with such a proclamation. So how to honor her process while honoring mine as well?

Manning up. There is a book newly out by this title – since I heard it, months ago, I ask myself in many situations how can I man up right now? Maybe this is another opportunity to man up. To hold my ground with honor and respect for myself and her. To speak openly about what her statement moved in me, without blame or judgment, with authentic expression of self. Responsive not reactive.

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Update

Just heard back from the surgeons office. They received pre-approval from my insurance company for the boob removal. I am beyond excited and a little nervous as well – I really do not like pain. But the pay off will be well worth it. I have been fantasizing about this for a while now. I scheduled it for June 13, so hopefully I wont miss too much work.

Everything is progressing well. Sleep is my only issue. Last night i did not sleep a wink. I took herbs that usually knock me out. It is an interesting thing messing with the hormones. Prior to choosing to walk this path I was going thru Peri-menapause and couldn’t sleep without progesterone. I stopped the progesterone and cannot sleep unless i take something. Herbs used to do the trick but no more. I feel good though even without sleep.

If any of my trans followers have any suggestions on the sleep thing i would love to hear. I hear it can go either way, too much or too little sleep. Also any of you who have had the boobs removed, i am curious – did they leave your nipples attached or remove and graft? If they left them attached, which my doc will do, what was the follow up like when they made them smaller? I am told it is an office visit with local anesthesia. But surgeons have rarely had the procedures done that they are telling us about. First hand knowledge is appreciated.

Coming Out Continues

I continue to come out to my clients as the timing feels right with each. Recently one of my clients and I were having a closing session as she needs time to assimilate. I decided it would be good to let her know what I am doing so when she returns, if there are any significant changes she will be prepared. When I told her, she smiled and said she assumed I was transitioning when we first met. We started working together before I knew this is what I was going to do. Something about this touches me. She is a highly perceptive woman with many decades of life lived. She saw me even before I was ready to see me. I have pondered this much of my life on and off, and yet when we started working together I wasn’t thinking about it actively. She still chose to work with me knowing/assuming I was transitioning. This just feels profound to me. The recognition and the acceptance.

Her response reminds me of one of my oldest friends responses to when I came out. A settling into her depths, waking in recognition and a yes of rightness. In her heart she knew just as this client knew. And I am loved and accepted in the fullness of who I am. It feels so incredibly good to feel seen and embraced for being who I am! Is this an aspect of internalized trans phobia I wonder: the surprise at being so fully accepted. I know in my mind it should not be an issue and yet my heart doesn’t trust. Or is it simply residue of childhood and not feeling understood or accepted?

Either way, my heart is full by the genuinely open and accepting reception I am receiving from everyone in my life. Clients have been a particular point of worry for me and so far I have been met with nothing but recognition and acceptance.

Thank you Universe for the grace and blessings bestowed upon me on this journey!!!