another coming out

So I went to a neighborhood party tonight. Brought a friend who is moving in down the street July 1 to introduce her. We are doing our own thing socializing wise until at some point I am inspired to go outside and join her. She was talking to a couple neighbors I had not yet met, well a neighbor and her BF from down the mountain. Anyways I walked in to the middle of something and my friend looks at me and says “perfect timing, I was just telling your story.” I chuckled, wondering which of my many lifetime of stories they could possibly be discussing (my life gas not been boring). Turns out they got on the topic of transitioning as my neighbor has a nephew who is transitioning and her brother has been struggling a bit with it – supportive but confused. So anyways, I was outed which I made a little joke about out of sheer anxiety. Turns out these were a couple of pretty amazing people, very accepting and loving and open. We had a great conversation. Larry, the boy friend, even slapped me on the back while shaking my hand in goodbye and said “welcome to the club, brother”. How cool is that?! I love where I live.

Post Op

I went in today to have the drains and staples removed. Looks amazing. I am bloated from surgery and digestive issues from all the pain meds so there will be no selfie today. I am very happy tho with the results. I go back in on Friday to get the things holding the nipple grafts in place removed. The doctor feels good about everything and thinks the nipples will be just fine.

I came home and immediately jumped in the shower. Man with the testosterone, missing a shower is difficult. My back is a pimple breeding ground. I gotta stay on it to keep it under control.

So the other day a friend asked me if I am grieving the loss of my boobs at all. There was an immediate no from my mouth. But that night as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to take me I checked in. Definitely no grief. I was aware however of the few inches of space in front of me that was no longer occupied. WOW! That felt liberating and right. So yes, no grief what so ever, just a sense of rightness, balance and integrity.

Top surgery

I had my boobs cut off Friday. I am amazed at how good I feel. Little pangs of pain but with Percocet totally manageable. I even walked a short walk yesterday. Friday I felt like a new person. Alive and awake. As the anesthesia wore off I just felt profound happiness. I have had great support beginning the day before surgery with the arrival of an old friend. Then the rotation of family and friends taking care of me. Thanks mom for bringing me home from the surgery and spending the first hours with me. Thank you Dee and Paula for taking the weekend shifts. And tonight I welcome back Leslie and Jamie for the last night of care. Then Leslie heads home to Washington.

I totally feel like I will be up and around more and more each day. When I got a breast reduction I was in excruciating pain for 4-5 days. Ended up throwing my back out from the incline u need to sleep in and was out for two weeks. Tomorrow I plan to work a little. Still taking it easy of course. But wow. Last night I even slept six hours with no waking in the middle of the night needing pain meds.

I can’t wait til Wednesday when the drains are removed and I get to see under the bandages.

He ended up needing to graft the nipples. I am hopefully that they will reattach and heal. And I’m glad I won’t have to do a later shaping of the nipples.

I am happy. I love when fantasies become realities.

Liebster Award Nomination

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Thanks to Rimonim witer of http://www.mantodayblog.wordpress.com for including me in the Liebster Awards. The Liebster Awards are a chain of blogposts that introduce readers to new blogs and let us all get to know one another a little better. Below I include the rules, my answers to Rimonim’s 11 questions, 11 facts about me, and my own nominees and questions.

Liebster Rules

  1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.
  2. Display the award on your blog, by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)
  3. Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.
  4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
  5. Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, which have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)
  6. Create a new list of questions for the bloggers to answer.
  7. Copy & paste these rules in your post. Once you have written and published it, you then have to:
    • Inform the people/blogs that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award.
    • Provide a link to this post so that they can learn about it.

Questions:

  1. Why do you blog? I blog because when I first began taking my transgender experience seriously, I was looking for a blog like I am writing. I didn’t actually find many until after I started blogging. So it has turned into a way for me to process and share my experiences as I move through this life altering experience. And it has become a way for me to connect with other trans people which has been great!
  2. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? Why?-  France. Because the woman who has my heart lives there and I am ready to take it back – or her if it was possible.
  3. What work (book, film, music) has most influenced your worldview? Pick a few if you can’t narrow it to one. – The Spandakarikas.
  4. What is your favorite food? – I am not sure I have a favorite. I love food, thai, sushi, BBQ, veggies…
  5. What was your first job? – My first job was post high school and pre college working at a printed circuit board company in the photo something or other department.
  6. What was the first concert you attended (of your own volition)? Fleetwood Mac!! Such fond memories.
  7. Besides blogging, how do you spend your free time? Hiking, biking, kayaking, reading, hanging out with friends.
  8. What chore or errand do you dislike the most? – I absolutely hate to clean the house. Vacuuming, dusting… Thanks god I can afford to hire a cleaner.
  9. Where are you while writing this post? – At my desk in my home office in Evergreen Colorado.
  10. Describe one of the strangest experiences you’ve ever had. – When I was in my 20’s I lived out of my car in Boulder Co. I would drive up to a pull off along Boulder Creek to sleep. One particular night, I was there and there were about 5 other vehicles as well. I didn’t know anyone. Sometime in the middle of the night, I was woken by a voice in my head telling me to get up and leave NOW!! I tried ignoring it for some time being exhausted and just wanting to sleep. But the voice persisted and got stronger as the minutes passed. Finally, I got up and drove down the hill to sleep the rest of the night behind the restaurant I managed at the time. The headline news that morning was that a couple people escaped from prison and went on a shooting spree up Boulder Canyon. The occupants of the five cars I left behind that night were all dead by morning.  
  11. What is the secret of life? According to you, of course. – Be true to yourself and follow your heart

11 Random Facts about myself:

1) I quit college in my early years to travel the world and let the universe be my teacher

2) Nature is my sanctuary

3) I am learning to play the saxophone again after 20 years of forgetting how to play.

4) I just made my first batch of homemade almond milk – its not too bad.

5) I have the words: Awareness, Dedication and Perseverance taped to my computer monitor to remind me

6) When I was in college I learned Ikebana. We had an assignment to a non-traditional Ikebana arrangement. I did one based in Dadaism.

7) I meditate every day

8) When I was in massage school in the 80’s, I practiced silence for a month while meditating 6 hours a day.

9) I am a loner blessed with good friends

10) I do a cleanse each season which includes drinking large quantities of fresh made veggie juice

11) The Bear and Snake are my totem animals.

My Nominations for the Liebster Award are:

Janitorqueer

androguyandcathere

One HuMans Journey

And there is another one Tsoi something – I just found today and really appreciated. Need to figure out how to locate the names of the blogs I am following. Any imput is greatly appreciated if there is a way.

11 Questions for you to answer

1) Why do you blog?

2) What makes your heart sing?

3) Who has most inspired you and why?

4) What was the first book you read that gave you a glimpse into a part of you you did not yet see?

5) What animal best represents you?

6) If you could be doing anything, anywhere in the world right now; where would you be and what would you be doing?

7) What is your greatest passion?

8) What music moves your soul?

9) What has been your greatest challenge in life?

10) What three words remind you of you and keep you on track?

11) What is your favorite pastime?

 

Learning and growing and proclaiming: I am a male two spirited human being!

In this process with my friend mentioned in last post something clarified for me (highlight text in blue below so you can read it):

 I get on the outside I still present as female or androgynous and occasionally as a man. And it is easy therefore to perceive that as being who I am. But the truth is I am not that, being female has been a deep wound for me. My happiness and confidence comes because I am choosing to not be female any more. I am choosing to be me – a male 2 spirited human being. The nature of still seeing me as female hurts because it tells me you don’t see the real me and I want you, my friend, to see and know the real me and love the real me. The real me is not a female even though I was born in this female body.

 

I have struggled to identify me over the past number of months. Quite honestly I dislike labels and the boxes they can create. And I know clarity is needed for me and others. I have struggled to ask others to change their pronouns feeling like it is absurd to expect this until I pass. I am realizing underneath that truth is the 48 year old fear of truly owning who I am. The fear that telling everyone I am male is absurd. I know it isn’t absurd deep down, but I still value the perceptions of others here or the pain those perceptions can create for me. I have lived with the pain of the judgments for almost 5 decades. AND the truth is I am who I am. I am Sky, a male two spirited human being. I am strong, confident and happy. I am a healer, teacher, friend… My proclaiming my maleness does not take away from me. I ask myself why I have feared it would when the reality is that since I have embraced this truth it has made me more me – stronger confident and happy like never before. So why would clearly proclaiming it to the world diminish me? It makes no sense, except when I buy into the transphobia that still exists. But that so doesn’t matter – what matters is how I feel about me. What matters is that I am living my truth boldly and honestly not in hiding. What matters is that living honestly and openly who I am makes me a greater person, a better person.

 

And… and this feel big for me: I want those who know me to know me, the real me, the deep down to my core me. That is where the pain comes from by being seen still as a woman. The core of me, the truth of me is not being seen. I am not a woman. I am a man with great access to his 2 spirited nature. We rely too often on what we see with our eyes not what we feel in our hearts. A couple of my friends do this thing where they look deeply at me, almost uncomfortably deeply, then smile with love and acknowledge the man that I am. Sometimes they name what they see changing or manifesting, sometimes not. It doesn’t matter. They see me and this feels amazing. For the first time in my life I want to be seen. That is a bizarre feeling. I was the kid who hid behind the couch when company came. I was the teen and adult who was quiet and hidden. I didn’t want to be seen. I struggled too much with who I was to be seen.

 

Now I want to be seen for the first time in  my life. And I want the real me to be seen. If you are going to take time to know me, then really know me. I am a man. I am a healer. I am a teacher. I am creative. Introspective. Philosophical. … I say all this because while I am a man, I am so much more and it all makes me me. AND I AM NOT FEMALE regardless of what I might still look like on the outside, regardless of what stage of transition I am in. I AM A MAN.

 

Wow, how liberating. And I gotta say, these little hard points particularly with this one friend, are a boon of growth and strength and understanding. I am grateful for the struggles we go through especially knowing/trusting that we will go through them and not get stuck. But it was this most recent struggle that got me to take the next step in owning myself. And I get that not owning me makes it difficult for another to truly know me. So I gotta walk the walk that I want others to walk with me, and I gotta take the first steps in self revelation.

 

So… Hi everyone – I am Sky. A beautiful and soulful, caring and compassionate man.