In this process with my friend mentioned in last post something clarified for me (highlight text in blue below so you can read it):
I get on the outside I still present as female or androgynous and occasionally as a man. And it is easy therefore to perceive that as being who I am. But the truth is I am not that, being female has been a deep wound for me. My happiness and confidence comes because I am choosing to not be female any more. I am choosing to be me – a male 2 spirited human being. The nature of still seeing me as female hurts because it tells me you don’t see the real me and I want you, my friend, to see and know the real me and love the real me. The real me is not a female even though I was born in this female body.
I have struggled to identify me over the past number of months. Quite honestly I dislike labels and the boxes they can create. And I know clarity is needed for me and others. I have struggled to ask others to change their pronouns feeling like it is absurd to expect this until I pass. I am realizing underneath that truth is the 48 year old fear of truly owning who I am. The fear that telling everyone I am male is absurd. I know it isn’t absurd deep down, but I still value the perceptions of others here or the pain those perceptions can create for me. I have lived with the pain of the judgments for almost 5 decades. AND the truth is I am who I am. I am Sky, a male two spirited human being. I am strong, confident and happy. I am a healer, teacher, friend… My proclaiming my maleness does not take away from me. I ask myself why I have feared it would when the reality is that since I have embraced this truth it has made me more me – stronger confident and happy like never before. So why would clearly proclaiming it to the world diminish me? It makes no sense, except when I buy into the transphobia that still exists. But that so doesn’t matter – what matters is how I feel about me. What matters is that I am living my truth boldly and honestly not in hiding. What matters is that living honestly and openly who I am makes me a greater person, a better person.
And… and this feel big for me: I want those who know me to know me, the real me, the deep down to my core me. That is where the pain comes from by being seen still as a woman. The core of me, the truth of me is not being seen. I am not a woman. I am a man with great access to his 2 spirited nature. We rely too often on what we see with our eyes not what we feel in our hearts. A couple of my friends do this thing where they look deeply at me, almost uncomfortably deeply, then smile with love and acknowledge the man that I am. Sometimes they name what they see changing or manifesting, sometimes not. It doesn’t matter. They see me and this feels amazing. For the first time in my life I want to be seen. That is a bizarre feeling. I was the kid who hid behind the couch when company came. I was the teen and adult who was quiet and hidden. I didn’t want to be seen. I struggled too much with who I was to be seen.
Now I want to be seen for the first time in my life. And I want the real me to be seen. If you are going to take time to know me, then really know me. I am a man. I am a healer. I am a teacher. I am creative. Introspective. Philosophical. … I say all this because while I am a man, I am so much more and it all makes me me. AND I AM NOT FEMALE regardless of what I might still look like on the outside, regardless of what stage of transition I am in. I AM A MAN.
Wow, how liberating. And I gotta say, these little hard points particularly with this one friend, are a boon of growth and strength and understanding. I am grateful for the struggles we go through especially knowing/trusting that we will go through them and not get stuck. But it was this most recent struggle that got me to take the next step in owning myself. And I get that not owning me makes it difficult for another to truly know me. So I gotta walk the walk that I want others to walk with me, and I gotta take the first steps in self revelation.
So… Hi everyone – I am Sky. A beautiful and soulful, caring and compassionate man.