My sister recently wrote: I am really glad you are coming [to visit]. I feel like I need to actually see you in person. Like, really need to see you. To help me be fully caught up with you. You are moving at light speed and big parts of me still hold you as my sister-soulmate. I have to find a new place for you and release you from that old one… I think. Something inside of me needs to catch up, of that I am sure.
And a friend and ex-lover/partner wrote: I am supporting you in your liberation and that path S… As strange it is to me also cause I did love a woman and was found with your breast.. I loved every part of you, [every] cell ; So it’s both a letting go of the body you choice to (re)move, deeply…saying goodbye. And of the feminine attraction that was between you and me. How put that on words !? I love women… I did love our sharings… everything will clearly be different now.
I find myself crying inside. To Fern, my sister, I want to say (and have) I am still me. Our connection does not change as I transform and become more of me. I am still your sister soul mate, or brother soul mate or simply soul mate, Sky soul mate. I am me, you are you, our connection remains as deep and profound as it always has been. Perhaps it even deepens as I let more of me out.
To my ex, a deeper letting go. The intimate relationship ended years ago though in my heart I find I still hold on. Her words indicate to me as a transman their will no longer be an attraction from her towards me. This pains me. The door has officially closed completely. (Understanding our history makes this relevant but I do not have it in me to detail).
Change is life. Without change we die, stagnate. I do not want that, never have. Likewise, I do not want the changes I am going through to change significant relationships. I know with Fern whatever change will be one of growth and expansion. I trust that. With my ex, I have fear – that is the honest statement. We have known each other almost 30 years. We have come together and come apart more times than I can name. I want to trust that we can weather this and that maybe even it will support us in finding a stable friendship. And I grieve the death of hope.
Man I am way too emotional for this post – but there it is. Hopefully some sense will come from it. Ultimately, I am letting go and allowing death and rebirth (I hope) to follow its natural flow. And sometimes it hurts and is scary – like right now.