Grief and grieving

My sister recently wrote: I am really glad you are coming [to visit]. I feel like I need to actually see you in person. Like, really need to see you. To help me be fully caught up with you. You are moving at light speed and big parts of me still hold you as my sister-soulmate. I have to find a new place for you and release you from that old one… I think. Something inside of me needs to catch up, of that I am sure.

And a friend and ex-lover/partner wrote: I am supporting you in your liberation and that path S… As strange it is to me also cause I did love a woman and was found with your breast.. I loved every part of you, [every] cell ; So it’s both a letting go of the body you choice to (re)move, deeply…saying goodbye. And of the feminine attraction that was between you and me. How put that on words !? I love women… I did love our sharings… everything will clearly be different now.

I find myself crying inside. To Fern, my sister, I want to say (and have) I am still me. Our connection does not change as I transform and become more of me. I am still your sister soul mate, or brother soul mate or simply soul mate, Sky soul mate. I am me, you are you, our connection remains as deep and profound as it always has been. Perhaps it even deepens as I let more of me out.

To my ex, a deeper letting go. The intimate relationship ended years ago though in my heart I find I still hold on. Her words indicate to me as a transman their will no longer be an attraction from her towards me. This pains me. The door has officially closed completely. (Understanding our history makes this relevant but I do not have it in me to detail).

Change is life. Without change we die, stagnate. I do not want that, never have. Likewise, I do not want the changes I am going through to change significant relationships. I know with Fern whatever change will be one of growth and expansion. I trust that. With my ex, I have fear – that is the honest statement. We have known each other almost 30 years. We have come together and come apart more times than I can name. I want to trust that we can weather this and that maybe even it will support us in finding a stable friendship. And I grieve the death of hope.

Man I am way too emotional for this post – but there it is. Hopefully some sense will come from it. Ultimately, I am letting go and allowing death and rebirth (I hope) to follow its natural flow. And sometimes it hurts and is scary – like right now.

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6 Comments

  1. I have had more than one messenger in my life tell me that safety and change have an important thing in common; they are always shifting inside of us; like all relationdhips. Holding the tension of this reality feels healthy. I can’t imagine the emotions that must be swirling inside of you AND in all of us who know and love you! Thank you for risking authenticity and inviting us, with our fragility, in!!! Donna. n

    • Donna – thanks. Holding the tension feels key!! You write ” I cant image the emotions that must be moving inside you and all of us who know and love you.” Makes me realize I do not check in often enough with you or others about your experience as you observe/experience me changing. Lets talk about this when we see each other next as I am very curious.

  2. Change is life indeed. The downward swings are painful and terrifying. And the pendulum swings again.

    When I was in the early stages of my transition, I wrote a long poem/eulogy for my phantom girl self and had a sort of private funeral. It was really cathartic and helped me let go of that person. The ghost hung around awhile, though, and still shows up from time to time.

    As for others in my life, no one expressed the type of loss you describe (maybe because I was so young? I don’t know). But many expressed worry and trepidation. As they saw me grow into such a more comfortable, confident, alive version of myself, every single one enthusiastically came around. A milestone was when my mom began dreaming about me with my current name, even when I appeared as a child in the dreams. The magical thing is when other people really see that this is you, a youer you, an expression of who you were all along. It can take people awhile to catch up, though

    Wishing you strength in this time of uncertainty and change.

    • Rimonim – thanks for the supportive words. It does take time to catch up and it is quite magical when people finally get it and see me as the me-er me (youer you).

      I ponder the whole ceremony to release the phantom woman me. I have heard others stories of doing this. There is something about being 48, and all that I have lived, experienced and been… how to release the phantom female while still really honoring and owning the reality of 48 very rich years. There is something here, something needed on this level tho – I know from the tears in my throat – I just gotta find the way.

      Regarding the loss others feel, it reminds me, as do you and donna’s comments, to keep my awareness open to honor the experience of another as we move through this together. My experience is just such a profound sense of rightness in all the myriad changes, that I forget others, who don’t exist in my skin, could feel something totally differently. Changes that for me feel like more honest authentic expressions of me (that I have always felt and done but covertly) feel abrupt and radical. Fascinating really when I can step back.

  3. I worry about putting people I love through this type of grieving process as well. I know that it will be difficult for them to embrace the authentic me and that’s hard because I will want them to do that immediately I’m sure. I imagine it is a great big lesson in patience, waiting for someone you love to process all the emotions, thoughts, and experiences that you have gone through over a matter of years or decades.

    I’m glad your sister is so thoughtful in her processing of this and I hope things go beautifully when you see her!

    I am very sorry about the painful closing of your relationship with your ex. Having a hope defeated, no matter how small, is so hard.

  4. Haylee – thanks for your reply. Patience is indeed a big component of this transitioning experience. Patience with ourselves and the slowness of changes and patience with others to keep up. I keep learning more and more from people as they open to me about their processes along this path I have asked them to walk with me. Things like with my sister that would never have crossed my mind required a letting go and reframing. And life is change. I am grateful for the wonderful souls in my life that are willing to walk thru this with me. And I send out energy your way, that when the time is right, your coming out will be as full of love and acceptance as mine.

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