Much of my life I have felt rather asexual. I have had a remarkably low libido and a propensity for solitude, so it worked out well. I know some of this comes from the sexual trauma I experienced as a kid that blocked the healthy blossoming of my sexuality. Add to that not relating to my female body and it makes a lot of sense. Today I feel something opening in me that I did not expect.
As you may know, testosterone (T) increases ones libido. It has been a slow unfoldment for me over these 6 months on T to feel my libido rising. But rise it has. As it has surfaced, the reality of my singleness and my lack of ease with having a friend with benefits has left me alone with myself and a strong need for… sex.
I write it that way (…sex) because really it isn’t sex that I yearn for but the melting union of making love. The transcendence of physical boundaries that can be experienced with another in the act of opening, giving and receiving thru sex. So it has been an interesting experience to find myself with me alone in my yearning to unite in oneness through sex. Masterbation has never been easy for me (religious upbringing and trauma, thank you). Not having another option, my relationship with masterbating has evolved.
I find myself pleasing myself and in so doing expanding and opening to myself in a way I have never done before. I find myself riding the wave of spiritual union, Sky speaking to Sky, welcoming inviting loving opening me to me. Me to me in union.
I wrote earlier T increases libido. I want to be clear, testosterone plays a role in this but more of what I experience in these moments is me, Sky, showing up sexually in a way I never could as Sarah. I am owning my body. I am owning my pleasure. I am owning my love. I am owning myself, embodying myself. And in the owning and embodiment, I am coming out to meet me in all life’s experiences – I am coming out to meet me and merge with me in the act of love making. It is profound. The release is immense. The inner calm as I float and flow in oneness with myself.
I am very curious, if and when the day comes that am in a relationship again, how this will enhance our sexual sharings. I find myself fantasizing in ways I never have before, owning the power of my body and finding ways to please my partner that I never even thought of before (body dysphoria and living in the wrong gendered body have severely limited my sexual empowerment and curiousity). I find myself rising up to the possibilities so strongly (pun was not intended but there it is 🙂 ). How incredibly liberating.
I am curious if any of you, especially the trans men and women reading this, have had similar experiences. Please feel free to share as is comfortable. I realize I have hesitated writing this post because it feels so exposing and because sex is just not something I was raised to talk about. So here’s to all the forms of liberation that come from owning oneself.