The evolution of making love

Much of my life I have felt rather asexual. I have had a remarkably low libido and a propensity for solitude, so it worked out well. I know some of this comes from the sexual trauma I experienced as a kid that blocked the healthy blossoming of my sexuality. Add to that not relating to my female body and it makes a lot of sense. Today I feel something opening in me that I did not expect.

As you may know, testosterone (T) increases ones libido. It has been a slow unfoldment for me over these 6 months on T to feel my libido rising. But rise it has. As it has surfaced, the reality of my singleness and my lack of ease with having a friend with benefits has left me alone with myself and a strong need for… sex.

I write it that way (…sex) because really it isn’t sex that I yearn for but the melting union of making love. The transcendence of physical boundaries that can be experienced with another in the act of opening, giving and receiving thru sex. So it has been an interesting experience to find myself with me alone in my yearning to unite in oneness through sex. Masterbation has never been easy for me (religious upbringing and trauma, thank you). Not having another option, my relationship with masterbating has evolved.

I find myself pleasing myself and in so doing expanding and opening to myself in a way I have never done before. I find myself riding the wave of spiritual union, Sky speaking to Sky, welcoming inviting loving opening me to me. Me to me in union.

I wrote earlier T increases libido. I want to be clear, testosterone plays a role in this but more of what I experience in these moments is me, Sky, showing up sexually in a way I never could as Sarah. I am owning my body. I am owning my pleasure. I am owning my love. I am owning myself, embodying myself. And in the owning and embodiment, I am coming out to meet me in all life’s experiences – I am coming out to meet me and merge with me in the act of love making. It is profound. The release is immense. The inner calm as I float and flow in oneness with myself.

I am very curious, if and when the day comes that am in a relationship again, how this will enhance our sexual sharings. I find myself fantasizing in ways I never have before, owning the power of my body and finding ways to please my partner that I never even thought of before (body dysphoria and living in the wrong gendered body have severely limited my sexual empowerment and curiousity). I find myself rising up to the possibilities so strongly (pun was not intended but there it is 🙂 ). How incredibly liberating.

I am curious if any of you, especially the trans men and women reading this, have had similar experiences. Please feel free to share as is comfortable. I realize I have hesitated writing this post because it feels so exposing and because sex is just not something I was raised to talk about. So here’s to all the forms of liberation that come from owning oneself.

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8 Comments

  1. Yes, I’ve definitely experienced something like this – it’s the best thing ever! (It’s the main reason I wanted to try out a low-dose of T, and I wasn’t let down.) 🙂
    I struggled a lot, a lot, with my sexuality as well, up until semi-recently. Then, relatively quickly, sex-related stuff started making a whole lot more sense, both physiologically and mentally. I’m planning to write more about it, but… I’m not there yet. It’s difficult to talk about!

  2. Sarah was my given name too. Poor parents really blew that one, haha.

    Thanks for sharing your experiences and raising this challenging and important topic. I’m really excited for you–it sounds like a beautiful awakening.

    I experienced a major sexual awakening with my transition. I thought I enjoyed sex before…til I started having sex after. Ha. I suddenly saw I’d been very checked out and alienated during all sexual activity pre-transition. I have always been an avid masturbater–masturbator?–I was lucky to grow up in a sex-positive environment. But I see now that even then, I was alienated from my body.

    I have said to Alma many times, “I never thought I’d share this with another person”–both the intimacy and the sex itself. I thought really arousing sexuality would be forever confined to fantasy for me.

    Along with huge value of just getting to show to sex as myself, the physical changes have also made a world of difference. As I’ve mentioned on the blog, I used a strap-on for a long time, but I found it really depressing. Finding a way to engage sexually as a male, sans prosthesis, has been the key for me. I could not have done that without T and chest surgery.

  3. Sarah was my given name too. Poor parents really blew that one, haha.

    Thanks for sharing your experiences and raising this challenging and important topic. I’m really excited for you–it sounds like a beautiful awakening.

    I experienced a major sexual awakening with my transition. I thought I enjoyed sex before…til I started having sex after. Ha. I suddenly saw I’d been very checked out and alienated during all sexual activity pre-transition. I have always been an avid masturbater–masturbator?–I was lucky to grow up in a sex-positive environment. But I see now that even then, I was alienated from my body.

    I have said to Alma many times, “I never thought I’d share this with another person”–both the intimacy and the sex itself. I thought really arousing sexuality would be forever confined to fantasy for me.

    Along with huge value of just getting to show to sex as myself, the physical changes have also made a world of difference. As I’ve mentioned on the blog, I used a strap-on for a long time, but I found it really depressing. Finding a way to engage sexually as a male, sans prosthesis, has been the key for me. I could not have done that without T and chest surgery.

    • Rimonim – thanks for your reply. Yes your blog post did inspire me to write this so thanks for that too. I love hearing and sharing really the subtle yet profound ways we change and open as we embrace ourselves and sexuality and sex is a big one. I am so happy for you that you grew up in a sex positive household – I cannot even imagine how that in itself would have changed me. And to find and share such a profound sense of intimacy and sexual expression with Alma. That is awesome. As I write “sexual expression” I realize that’s it – the expression. We get to express ourselves more authentically and it is fundamentally altering.

  4. Sky,

    Thank you for sharing this. It sounds really beautiful… what you have been able to experience recently. I relate with your not yearning for sex I think. When I was still waiting for myself to figure out how to enjoy this body, there was a nagging physical urge to have release that the testosterone gave me but I didn’t, and don’t enjoy the interaction with my body that it requires. So, since I’ve been on estrogen, I feel so relieved to not have that nagging anymore. I always tried to tamp it down and didn’t give into it very often before, but now, the urge isn’t even there. It’s very freeing. The remaining sexual desire, I’ve discovered isn’t about the action at all. I desire and dream to be close with someone else. To be their avenue to pleasure and intimacy. I’m hoping as I mature in this process I can discover new ways to explore these feelings in a similar way. For now, I’m enjoying the respite from unwanted arousal.

    Further, I’m dealing with deciphering who and what is attractive to me. When I was a teenager, I did everything I could to make sure I never thought of anyone other than cisgender women as potential mates. Now, I think any feelings I have had for women might have been confused for wanting to be close with them and wanting to experience their femininity. I’m surprising myself constantly now by who I end up staring at and the types of people staring in the few sexual dreams I’ve had lately. That is to say, a year ago, I would have told you I *knew* I would never be attracted to a masculine person. Now, that’s entirely not true.

    I feel like I’m finally discovering what type of romantic and sexual life I am programed to want and it is both exciting and anxiety-producing. I hope that I can experience the type of owning my body feeling you described someday. Again, thanks for sharing. I know it’s not easy putting this kind of thing out there, even if it is mostly anonymous.

  5. Haylee – thanks for such an honest and raw response. I am so glad you are finding the reprieve you need right now from sexual yearnings. I totally get it, esp. given all that is happening in your life. You do not need more internal discord.

    Its interesting. I used to look at men in a certain way that would make them ask if I was attracted to them. I never was attracted, but I did appreciate their bodies. Their forms and expressions. My look was wanting what they had.

    I have primarily been attracted to women to date – save a few encounters with men that were not long lasting explorations. I told a friend recently that I feel that changing – like I may actually be bi-sexual. Or poly sexual – I really don’t know all the terms. Men, women, trans… Owning my own body and gender has expanded my sexual orientation. Men don’t threaten me in any subtle way anymore. Who knows – so far its all in my mind as I am really loving being single after a 10 + year relationship, and the re-ending of a long distant relationship I have had over many decades. I will be curious what I experience the reality to be when I am ready to share this level of intimacy again. Maybe some years down the road we can come together again and share what we each find as we deepen in ourselves.

    Thanks again Haylee.

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