Singing and Dancing

I have been curiously watching the changes in my voice and have moments of missing my old voice. I really only miss its ability to sing. I am in that awkward stage of transition where I cannot sing at all. My vocal cords are not working like they used to. This is hard for me – not because I sing for a living but I love to sing while driving showering hiking… and I cant right now. I am considering contacting a colleague of mine (singer/songwriter) who works with trans people find their voices. I think I need that. And the woman is an inspiration to me as well. When we talk I have these fantasies about creating workshops for trans folks to help us all find our authentic expression thru sound and really body too – cuz how we are in our voice is so embedded in how we are in our bodies. So anyways, using me as a guinnea pig while also finding my new vocal expression. Yes I think it is time.

But dancing – that is something else entirely. I went to see Joan Baez in concert last night at this great outdoor venue in Denver. I think I danced all but 2 or three songs. Feeling my body move and dance – wow! Nothing has changed in how I move. I dance like I have always danced however, once again I feel freer. No double D’s bouncing along in front f me. No weight pulling me forward. No energetic hiding of my chest. All the moves felt freer more open. I use my arms a lot in dance as part of the expression. When I raised my arms to the heavens I actually felt my heart open, there was no protection, no hiding, no holding back.

And then the interactions with my fellow dancers felt different. There was this one old (I laugh, he was probably only 10-15 yrs my senior) Grateful Dead looking guy up there with me – grey hair, big beautiful grey beard. Rotund. How to put this into words… historically it was difficult for me to dance openly with men. Not wanting to welcome any sexual misunderstanding or something. I truly loved dancing with him. And I felt the flow of my masculinity and femininity moving thru me, a balanced fluidity. And then there was this young girl, maybe 12 or 13 – shy but with such a light about her. She was watching me dance, curious. I beemed at her a big smile which brought her out to dance. The openness I felt, the ability to let my heart connect with each person I danced with in front of the stage – it was awesome.

I love loving my body. I love inhabiting my skin for the first time in 48+ years. I love loving how I feel when I move, when I am still. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity I have to finally find myself and live openly, strongly, vibrantly the truth of who I am.

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2 Comments

  1. I can only say how happy I am that you are happy. Until reading the book you loaned me, I was only thinking about how I felt and not understanding or trying to understand how you felt. I think I’m getting it, and will continue on this path with you. Loving the new you!! I loved that you enjoyed dancing – I would have loved to have watched that!! I haven’t finished the book, but got to wondering if there is a middle sex – an in between. Do you know?

    • Mom – thanks for taking the time to read the book (Transgender 101 for those who might be interested – a great book for friends an family struggling to understand). I am really glad it is helping this make sense to you.

      And about a middle sex – that is a great question. Their are perhaps many middle sexes between male and female. Their is the androgynous person that I have lived most of my life to date as, their are non-binary people who feel neither male nor female, their are gender fluid people who ride the spectrum of gender, and many more. Unfortunately our society doesn’t yet really have a word for it. You might find it interesting to read this blog about this very thing http://mantodayblog.wordpress.com/2014/07/10/n-for-nonbinary-lgbtq-beyond/

      Thanks for your continued support and openness – I cannot tell you how much it means to me.

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