Why I still feel like a lesbian

I have been pondering “who am I” lately. Since returning from my trip and settling back into my life where I am just me again, normal routine, interactions etc… Not boring just life as usual where I am simply treated like a human being and not a man or woman. Or maybe I am just not as hyper aware as I was traveling. Regardless, I ask myself am I still me? Have I changed significantly? My sister says other than voice, smell and chest I am the same. According to a friend energetically I am more solid, strong. I have more firm edges than before. But everyone agrees, the core of me is the same. So this is good affirmation for what I feel inside.

Now what I ponder is what is my sexual orientation? Has it changed? I feel like I exist in the no-man’s land of gender. Neither strictly male nor female. I am primarily attracted to lesbian women with a newfound openness to exploring with men, yet my primary attraction is still to lesbian women. Why do I differentiate lesbian women from women in general? Well, I interact with many women in the course of a week, my gaydar is quite in tact, and it is not the straight women that I feel attracted to. They are either clearly lesbian or sometimes bi (tho even bi-sexual women I am less attracted to). When I feel into me, into the truth of my gender queerness and not clearly fitting into either category but encompassing both, I recognize I am both gender queer and sexual queer. Logic tells me, because I still relate to me as I am, because I am queer and because I am attracted primarily to lesbians and or bi women, I am a lesbian still. The problem with this is again in the lack of language. But hey, until there is a word for it, I can call myself whatever feels right. Now I just hope there is another lesbian woman out there who can see beyond the gender ambiguity and love me fully for who I am.

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15 Comments

  1. Very thought provoking piece for me particularly. With all the changes in my life as of late, I too wonder exactly how I will now fit into the lesbian world. Because it’s those femme lesbians that I do love so dearly, and who I am attracted to – not to straight women or men. I’m sure we will each find our rightful places, we may just need to acquire some new stronger patience! Rock on.

  2. It’s cool to hear where you’re at with these words as your journey unfolds. It’s interesting to think about. I never felt identified with “lesbian” and always resisted the term, preferring gay, queer, butch, “I like girls.” I’m content to roll under the “straight” label–in most spaces, the only options are straight/gay/bi, and I’m definitely straight under that framework. At a deeper level it’s more complex. I’m specifically attracted to queer femmes, hardcore feminine women who are attracted to masculinity in a range of flavors (not that that describes all femmes, just the subset I’ve been into). I do notice attractive straight women, but the only times I’ve felt that special pull of real attraction, it’s been to queer femmes. I come into the equation as a queer man. Is there a sexual orientation term of for that? Haha. πŸ™‚

    • Interesting Rimonim. I bet having come to this earlier in life has made it easier in some respects to be “straight”. And yes, gay women are different than straight women in so many ways. Gay women move through the world differently, perceive things differently, interact with gender norms differently, express differently. At least this holds true for the ones I am attracted to. And thanks for the chuckle – I look forward to the day that there is a word for the queer man in relationship with a queer woman. Or the day that love is just love and it doesn’t matter who we are attracted to.

  3. I’ve found myself thinking about exactly the same thing a lot lately. Seeing that I identify as a genderneutral transguy, I often find myself wondering: am I still a lesbian or am a suddenly straight now. It just seems queer (pun intended) that my new-found gender identity should all of a sudden make me straight. I still have this “femaleness” that’s also a part of me. A part that I don’t want to lose. Yet, I’ve always been most attracted to straight women, so there’s that to consider. :/

    • Actaully I am not looking to box me in but unbox me through this post. People want to make me one thing or another, male or female, straight or gay…. and this was some reaction to someone recently specifically telling me she isn’t sure she could be attracted to me as a transman. That felt like a boxing me in statement and I was trying to break out. This post was indeed a reaction to that. And I do realize I need to just let go and keep being my authentic self and not worrying about whether or not I will be loved intimately again by this person.

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