I have been pondering “who am I” lately. Since returning from my trip and settling back into my life where I am just me again, normal routine, interactions etc… Not boring just life as usual where I am simply treated like a human being and not a man or woman. Or maybe I am just not as hyper aware as I was traveling. Regardless, I ask myself am I still me? Have I changed significantly? My sister says other than voice, smell and chest I am the same. According to a friend energetically I am more solid, strong. I have more firm edges than before. But everyone agrees, the core of me is the same. So this is good affirmation for what I feel inside.
Now what I ponder is what is my sexual orientation? Has it changed? I feel like I exist in the no-man’s land of gender. Neither strictly male nor female. I am primarily attracted to lesbian women with a newfound openness to exploring with men, yet my primary attraction is still to lesbian women. Why do I differentiate lesbian women from women in general? Well, I interact with many women in the course of a week, my gaydar is quite in tact, and it is not the straight women that I feel attracted to. They are either clearly lesbian or sometimes bi (tho even bi-sexual women I am less attracted to). When I feel into me, into the truth of my gender queerness and not clearly fitting into either category but encompassing both, I recognize I am both gender queer and sexual queer. Logic tells me, because I still relate to me as I am, because I am queer and because I am attracted primarily to lesbians and or bi women, I am a lesbian still. The problem with this is again in the lack of language. But hey, until there is a word for it, I can call myself whatever feels right. Now I just hope there is another lesbian woman out there who can see beyond the gender ambiguity and love me fully for who I am.