Holidays and conversation

2014 s almost to an end. I am ready for a new year full of new opportunities and growth. Christmas was its usual challenge. Next year I gotta figure something different out. I was actually excited in some ways primarily because my family would be meeting my ex-girl friends new girl friend. As my sister said we have an interesting blended family. Family dynamics left me overly sensitive and I left early. Which was 8 pm and my planned departure time anyways. I left abruptly is better stated. Anyways, a couple days later I had a bite to eat with my dad. My father is a man of not many words so I am always struck when he talks. Well, he talked. It was the day before my birthday and I am guessing the struggles on Christmas and my bday motivated him. He told me he has always felt his purpose in life was to have and provide for a family and to raise kids that would make a difference in the world. He raised 5 great kids each making a mark in their own ways. He said to me that he felt the most proud of me; that I had and am making a difference in the world in a very significant way – first as a lesbian and now as a transman. He acknowledged the way that I provoke thought and expansion. He spoke about the possibility of my going back to school and what I would do with that education – again to promote change. I am not sure that in all these years my dad has ever expressed his pride for me. I took it in and still feel it swimming in me. It feels like a good place to start the new year.

I hope 2015 brings all of you joy, acceptance and love!!

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Reflections on coming out or not or maybe when…

I have been applying for part time jobs to complement my private practice. I keep debating internally around coming out. I ask: Is it necessary? Will it potentially make me not get an offer? Will it enhance the chances of getting an offer?

I realize I just want to be seen as a human being where gender doesn’t matter one way or the other. As a gay person I do not come out, though it has also been pretty obvious if anyone has a gaydar that I am gay. I want to be able to treat my gender queerness the same. And then there is HR and the birth name that has not yet been changed and all my diplomas in that name. That will automatically out me to HR. I don’t want to be hidden about it and am sure when I get settled in the job (which has been offered to me) I will come out. I feel it is important for those of us who are comfortable and able to come safely out to do so – this is the only way for people to get familiar and comfortable vs demonizing us. I take that seriously.

Same with a party I went to this weekend – my sisters 50th Bday. I have known some of her friends for 30 years and they don’t know unless my sister has told them. I did get into a fairly deep conversation with ne of her friends who I had not yet met and told her I am trans.

So the reality is I am really ok coming out and being open about who I am – it is just a question of when. I am curious your thoughts on this, readers of my blog.

Change of Plans

I finally arranged a time to meet with a couple professors at U of AZ and flew out beginning of this week. It was incredibly informative. Loved Susan Stryker and found her seminar very thought provoking. They discussed “Arrested Dress” – I forget who by. Covers cross dressing in the 19th century and so much more. Fascinating.

Also met with a prof in religious studies who was hired on as part of the Gender Studies program as well. Rimonim (if you are reading this) he studied gender fluidity in the Rabbinical Cannons. Fascinating how integral gender queerness was to the early Jewish writings.

Loved Tucson. The weather is amazing. And I do not think that gender studies is the way for me to go. It is extremely theoretical with zero departmental interest in application of theories for social change. Hmmm. And while so much of the topic is of interest to me if I cannot apply it in some meaningful way then it just feels like mental masturbation which I have no interest in.

So belatedly changing direction to Social Work. Its interesting – a couple people mentioned this to me early on, but I get hyper focused sometimes and don’t see the bigger picture. Psych might work as well with a focus on gender but SW covers more of what I am interested in in terms of policy and social understanding/ social norms around gender. Looks like the schools I have interest in, primarily due to location, have passed the deadline for 2015. So I have a year to ponder and work on my application. I will still apply to U of Az with a clear dissertation proposal that applies what I learn to cultivate change. They will likely not accept me since this is not their focus but you never know.