Reflections on coming out or not or maybe when…

I have been applying for part time jobs to complement my private practice. I keep debating internally around coming out. I ask: Is it necessary? Will it potentially make me not get an offer? Will it enhance the chances of getting an offer?

I realize I just want to be seen as a human being where gender doesn’t matter one way or the other. As a gay person I do not come out, though it has also been pretty obvious if anyone has a gaydar that I am gay. I want to be able to treat my gender queerness the same. And then there is HR and the birth name that has not yet been changed and all my diplomas in that name. That will automatically out me to HR. I don’t want to be hidden about it and am sure when I get settled in the job (which has been offered to me) I will come out. I feel it is important for those of us who are comfortable and able to come safely out to do so – this is the only way for people to get familiar and comfortable vs demonizing us. I take that seriously.

Same with a party I went to this weekend – my sisters 50th Bday. I have known some of her friends for 30 years and they don’t know unless my sister has told them. I did get into a fairly deep conversation with ne of her friends who I had not yet met and told her I am trans.

So the reality is I am really ok coming out and being open about who I am – it is just a question of when. I am curious your thoughts on this, readers of my blog.



  1. Personally, I would not come out in an interview unless the company I was applying to was an LGBTQ+ organization of some kind. Then I would want them to know I was part of the family. I would, however, let them know immediately in the interview, perhaps even on my resume, my preferred name. Once you’re hired you can decide when and how you disclose this information and that’s something only you can know. In the interview process they should be judging you solely on your qualifications for the job but they might also consider how well you would fit in with the other employees and management depending on the job. I would leave personal things out of it but that’s my opinion only. Others might take a different approach. Good luck.

    • Lesboi – thanks!! Yes this is where I landed. My dilemma as a therapist is maybe it would help having someone who is trans as not all therapists are comfortable/competent in working with us. But trainings I have done around working with gender identity, I decided was enough for them to know right now.

  2. I choose based on context. I haven’t disclosed my trans status to anybody at work, because it’s not relevant. But I have disclosed widely in my grad program, because it is relevant. After years of almost never disclosing socially, I really want to tell more people and make more friends I’m comfortable talking with about this. I feel a lot closer to someone when they know.

  3. It depends for me. I am dealing with discrimination in my current job, so I really want to be sure my future job can handle my they/them pronouns and genderqueerness. At the same time, I don’t want to sit there wondering about discrimination in the hiring process… I usually come out after I get an offer.

    • Captainglittertoes sorry to hear you are experiencing discrimination presently in your job. After you get an offer who do you come out to? HR, the person who hired you…? I almost came out to the HR guy as we were discussing names. He has not met me yet and my voice is masculine. So I am guessing there was some surprise around such a feminine legal name. He was being very tactful. I will meet him next week during new hire orientation. I am proceeding moment to moment.

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