So I am at work today and I had seen a client who right after me saw the psych nurse PNP. The PNP came into the office and sat down on the chair next to my desk and said “OK I just gotta just put this out there. [client name] kept calling you he while we were talking…..”. I think I had a moment of going blank cuz I do not recall what she said, I just knew it is time. Time to out myself. And I had a moment of panic. And I also knew it was time and it is ok. So I smiled at her and said “I wasn’t planning on coming out right now but I guess it is time. (pause), So I said I am transitioning and half the time people think I am a guy and half the time a female. I am ok with it.” PNP said “so do you prefer he?” I said I actually prefer they, them, their but know that will be complicated here.” Another therapist was there as well. They both almost simultaneously said that’s cool. That was it. Simple relatively quick and completely uneventful. The PNP got up and left. My co-therapist and I smiled and went back to our work. After it was done I felt a bit elated. Then as I am driving home I am thinking “Hmmmm, that was two people out of the whole clinical staff. What is it going to feel like when I get back Thursday? Are they going to out me to everyone else or will they have registered the comment about outing myself before I was quite ready”. I realized I didn’t really care. It was such a relief to have it out there. I know people are curious/confused by me. I am ok with that and here is the thing, I haven’t changed my name or gender marker. So all the legal documentation I do needs to have the name on my license. So that name is on everything I write. And my direct supervisor introduced me as she to everyone. But before he introduced me, actually I introduced myself as I got there first. I am fairly certain they saw me as male because when supervisor arrived that is when he said “she”. The confusion on there faces was evident, but well concealed. Everyone has been great so I am not too worried about it. But it does feel like I need to tell my supervisor now so he doesn’t hear it thru the grapevine. And I slept on this last night, maybe it is time to request everyone refers to me by a specific pronoun as clients tend to follow the lead of the staff. This way it is clear and everyone is in the same place. Is it too much, I ask, to request to be referred to as “they” or should I break down and go for the binary’s he? It is a conundrum. Any feedback is welcome.
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genderneutral 
Well, since just calling you Sky is hard for me, I think you should use the “he”. “They” just doesn’t sound right in a sentence and is really hard to say. Do you understand this dilemma? But I know we will all try to use “they” if that is important to you. I love you no matter what!!!
Ask for the pronoun you want! People may still call you “he” (“she” will probably fade away quickly) with some frequency. But that’s no reason not to make your true preferences known.
I’d say request “they” as long as you’re prepared to do lots of in-the-moment correcting until it sticks. You’d probably have to do this with any new pronoun to some degree, but “he” will probably catch on quicker…
I use they pronouns all the time, including at work. You have the right to it. I’m still correcting people 5 months into coming out, but sometimes people lead with it now.
I don’t feel at all comfortable with he or she or I would probably use one of those, just cuz it is hard to fight for it.
But it’s not actually hard. Most people just don’t care enough to try, practice, or correct themselves.
*hard for people to use, I mean
Use what *you* are most comfortable with – keep on correcting as needed, everyone will adjust in time. Take care.
Ultimately, no one has any control over what anyone else calls them. The sooner that you can let your own wishes be known, the less entrenched your unwanted name/pronouns will become. If “she/her” is not great now, it will be horrible in a few years. Once people start on “he/him,” it will be tough to get them to change to “they/them.”
So I say to let your preferences be known as soon as you are able to. If you don’t request “they/them”, it will never happen.
It has been a very long time. Interestingly I got an email from WordPress notifying me that a post was liked. Hmm I thought wonder if it’s relèvent to now. Like a serendipitous reminder. So for whomever is out there: I relented. I accepted he. I did let everyone know that I’m a non binary trans person. Still. I am discovering the strength of my inner wimp and it’s frustrating!!! I honestly feel stronger more confident and alive but I have really been struggling with being seen. I think I posted once and mentioned I hid behind the couch when we had company. Now that I’m living myself I’m my own persistent sabbator. How the heck do u spell that word? Anyways. I step out. Go to the gym, go to parties with people I like and trust. And then wham!! Something happens. Last time it was my knee. I sprained it and had to be off it for two months. Then some blanket came over me. That’s what it felt like. A cloistering fear. And it’s been months after healing and I’m struggling to push back out into the world.
And I’ve made a decision. And this post a testament of sorts so I keep myself accountable. I am getting a puppy on Sunday. After Wes I’ve not wanted another animal. I recognize now the fear of loss of love again controlling me. So my pup – a chocolate lab. 9 weeks. Together we will grow strong. And I got an old beater truck. This was a great idea at a very bad time but hey who listens to common sense right?! So I got this old ‘86 Toyota S. With a topper. I’m going to build a platform in back and put a futon on top. Then drawers below the platform to store camping gear and other things might be needed. Anyways, this to give me the freedom to drive and explore. When I lived out of my truck in my late 30’s to early 40’s I’d take off and find BLM or federal forest areas and drive these back – you can’t really call them roads – paths perhaps. Anyway drive those and find some of the most incredible places. And I hang all weekend, hiking, reading throwing a ball for Phoenix. So I will do this again each summer. Take off and explore. Excited for the Willamette River area. Beautiful rivers and plush green wet forests.
So I am reclaiming my vitality. My curiosity. My openness. My ultimate trust in a very flawed humanity. I’m reclaiming my life. Not allowing the ass running this country control me by his atrocities. I will live my life. Out. Proud.