Do any of you have those moments where you go to the bathroom and have moments of realization? Its like the time in the bathroom offers a break or window of reflection. I was at a training not long ago on Trauma and MDMA and they made reference to this as well. Client goes to the bathroom and has a major breakthrough. Anyways, I was at work and went to the bathroom the other day at work, and I was just hit with this sense of normalcy. Mind you my normal is not a normal normal, like my baseline of normalcy is different than many people I know. But that isn’t the point. Transitioning has been a whirlwind in many ways of change and settling into. My internal or personal changes are subtle and some of the outward changes… I am not sure they are noticed much by others. Sometimes I miss having an intimate partner in my life to share my revelations (as in things I am reveling in) – the first time I shaved, the fuzz growing around my navel… But here I was in the bathroom and I felt normal. I have this expectation that transitioning is going to be this big deal, that people are going to react and struggle, … maybe it is my easy going nature or my gender queerness vs adamancy about being seen as male specifically. I don’t know. But it is easy. I feel normal. Other than the conflict early on with a friend and coworker people have treated me well and like this is no big deal. I am seen for who I am vs some abomination of genderness. So sitting there in the bathroom feeling the normalcy of it all I felt myself relax even deeper into me and it felt good. I felt good. In many ways this transition is just an extension of the life I have always lived as a butch lesbian. In some ways it feels easier now, better, simply because I get to be more authentic. I gave myself the permission I needed to be me and my world is honoring me in that. WOW! How odd to feel less angst about being trans than being butch.
I am not sure how coherent this post is.. thinking out loud.
A side note, in a film I showed my class a man who was born with an unclear gender (looks male but has undeveloped male genitals) when confronted by circling M or F on a form, he circles both = MORF. Gotta love it. This is what I am going to begin doing.