More clarity with some angst

I recently bought an STP. I cannot go into a female bathroom anymore comfortably and have on a couple of occasions had to wait a ridiculously long amount of time for the stall while dining out – and drinking beer. It was difficult to wait as you can imagine if you are a beer drinker. It was novel at first, using an STP. I like the idea and ease of peeing standing up, will make camping so much easier. I got the EZP from Transthetics – a truly great product. I wore it daily for a couple weeks, using it frequently as needed. The more I wore it the more disconcerted I felt. I realize I really do not relate to having a penis. It feels wrong. I want it to feel right and keep trying. But in the end I am filled with angst. I am realizing more and more that I am gender queer and will never fit in the binary box and I am finding this to be difficult as well. Difficult because so many people do not have a clue. and even when I educate and tell them my preference for pronouns, they struggle to manage they-them-their. Some honor it by just using my name, but they report how awkward that can be; one noted she used my name nearly 20 times in a short convo. And then the few people that are stuggling with my transition, struggle in the context of me being a man. This then frustrates me because I am not that any more than I am female. I have moments of being truly pissed off at society for pigeon holing me and so many others – everyone if we really want to be honest. We must be one or the other and even transitioning carries with it the idea of transitioning form one gender to the other.  And I feel stuck… I don’t know what to do or where to go. I find myself swimming in angst filled emotional waters. Sad, angry, confused, stuck…

I find it also interesting that I am calling myself queer – gender queer and sexually queer. I am of the generation where queer was really derogatory. I get it is changing and I am finding myself really relating to its nuances. It feels even more open, spacious and undefined then non-binary, cuz non-binary still considers there is a binary to be separate from. Queer is its own thing and that does feel right. I will never be male, female, gay or straight or bi. Pan-sexual perhaps if I understand it correctly. But again, in my generation, even my gay friends (gay includes lesbians for me) are not familiar with the term pansexual and are gay, straight or bi and there is nothing else.

And then the person who accused me of enjoying people being confused about my gender. I do not enjoy it actually. What I really want is to be seen as me, as queer and for that to be ok, to be accepted and to have a place in reality.

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11 Comments

  1. I relate to so much of what you wrote here. I struggle with calling myself a man too and the word queer is hard for me to embrace as well. My friends are of the same generation as yours so telling them I’m genderqueer or gender neutral or whatever is hard for them as well as me to grasp. I don’t deny others the right to claim whatever fits them but it’s hard for me personally. I go on and off with using the EZPee and actually have been off for quite a while now. I don’t mind it but it definitely doesn’t feel quite right to me. If I’d been born with that anatomy it would be different but I wasn’t. It’s hard to change after all these years. I too just want to be seen as myself but I don’t really know what to tell people. Lately I’ve been kind of going with transmasculine butch or trans butch dude.

    As far as the STP issue, maybe you’d be more comfortable keeping one that you don’t wear with you for those situations where you need to use a urinal. They work great for camping too and are a lot cheaper than a prosthetic. You could buy several and give them a try to find the one that works best for you.

    • Re trying an stp that’s not a prosthetic – how does that work at a urinal if other guys are right next to you. I struggle enough stealthily
      Placing the stp in position I cannot imagine how to get one in place that’s not already 3/4 of the way there.
      Re Queer. Language is so inadequate. I don’t say this in public but of late I’ve been feeling like a hybrid. I don’t know if it’s politically correct or not. But queer or hybrid… I’m unique as are many of us in identity and how we embody that. We r a blended bunch of diversity.

      • Hybrid is how I explain myself too. A blend of both genders. More one the other in some ways, more one than the other in other ways. Inside out, outside in. Yes, language is inadequate at this point. I’ve come to the conclusion that I just have to embrace male in public because it’s more who I am than female.

        As for the stp, I don’t really know the answer to that. I know that some guys pull it off. They keep them in their pockets and rely on the fact that other guys don’t watch what you’re doing at the urinals. It’s a big no no to look at other people’s junk. I’m thinking that if you could get your pants open enough and pull your underwear down you could slip it in pretty easily. I’ve never tried it so I can’t say for sure.

  2. This post also resonates for me. I’ve never had an STP but am extremely uncomfortable using the women’s room – and continue to have confrontations with women when I do (even with no T, my clothes and figure make women uncomfortable).

    I’ve always identified with the butch/queer/non-conforming part of the LGBT movement since coming out in 1976 – and I don’t want to give that up – which is one of the sticking points for me being unable to embrace identifying as a trans man – and claim to be straight. I’m just not a straight guy (or a gay guy) – and I prefer to be a part of the LGBT community than just the T community or going straight/stealth.

    What I can’t quite reconcile is how male/boy I feel inside, and choosing a DIY non- binary transition route, and that to be genuinely accepted by other people as something other than female I pretty much have to go on T, which I’m hesitant to do. It is very had to stick to being myself.

    • I really relate to the connection with glbt and not being isolated in the t community or stealth and straight world. As much as I am passing I still don’t feel straight. And when I consider a partner given my hybrid body I cannot imagine them considering themselves straight. I’m single presently so have no one to ask. That’s where queer comes in and feels the most close to right.
      If I’m understanding the latter part of ur reply while u feel male inside ur struggling to fully embrace and perhaps embody the (taking t) because you do not want to lose your place in the glb part of the community. Maintaining as gender non conforming you feel you still belong whereas taking more action to transition would potentially ostracize u from the glb community. I have heard others experience of this. My personal experience is still unfolding. Most of my glb friends have been nothing but supportive and inclusive. Surprisingly so. I’ve always not been part of the greater glbt community just my little circle of friends. I know philosophically many especially of our age struggle with the notion of trans and all its varying nuances. I hope that you have a circle of friends that will accept you regardless of expression. And the world at large personally I’m not sure how much I care how they perceive me. I feel pretty confident these days and I know who I am. That’s what matters most. Having friends that accept certainly helps a lot. I hope that whatever you chose your heart feels free and happy and at peace.

      • Jamie Ray – as I reread this I realize that I too get so caught in the binary. I hear you saying you feel more male then female but really feel neither or both. The whole way I responded was focused on the binary – identifying more with male – vs your truth which is non-binary. My apologies.

        Every time I do something like this I realize how hard it has got to be for cis gendered folks. And there is that part of me that has accepted being seen as a male because it is better than female. But the reality is its really not! So I become complacent at times and fall into the binary by habit. So again, sorry about that!

  3. I hear you. I’m still very unclear myself as to whether or not I’ll want the dangly bits – not that I have to make that decision anywhere soon, but still. And then there’s my Junior Warrior, who identifies as agender. For now, he’s chosen to present as male and wants people to use male pronouns, but it does not feel right to him. It’s really just a compromise, and a poor one at that, but at this moment he just doesn’t want the hassle of having to explain agender to others.

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