I recently found out that I am now licensed in Oregon to practice psychotherapy. I have been needing a big change for a while now, so applied for licensure finally. The same day I found out, I applied for a couple county jobs knowing it will take time to develop a private practice. I got a call back 2 working days later asking if I would be interested in a Clinical Supervision job instead. Had I seen that one I totally would have applied as I am really digging providing supervision for interns and people working towards licensure in my private practice. Had a great interview via Skype 2 days later and now they are checking references. During the interview I of course did not mention being trans. After the interview I realized that the transcripts I sent were e-copies I got a number of years ago and had my old name on it where as my application had new name and male gender. I felt I needed to call and clarify. My sister who used to work for this organization said you absolutely need to tell them because they have recently contracted people to come and train employees on how to work with the trans population. Hence, it will likely be an asset. So today I called and told one of my interviewers. She seemed to take it with a grain of salt. I, on the other hand, felt my whole body tighten, I was pacing, my hands were shaking when I got off the phone and I have had a stress headache ever since. It was liberating yes and I am relieved to not have to come out like at did at my part time job here. And it totally stresses me out. I realize I need to work on this in therapy. I am proud of who I am, of the me I am finally manifesting and I still get majorly stressed coming out to people. I came out to a trans client not too long ago and I had the exact same reaction. A trans client for gods sake, why would that stress me out? But it literally feels like it is some sort of life threatening act. Do I still carry internalized trans phobia? Is it old childhood shit that I haven’t processed around it not being safe to be me? Is it some past life unresolved stuff? I keep saying it is internalized trans phobia to myself. Whatever it is, I want to work thru it. I want to be open and proud of who I am. I want to be able to educate people. I want to be able to speak freely about this. Right now I cannot do any of these things due to these extreme anxiety attacks. Does anyone else feel this? What do you do with it? How have you worked thru it in yourself, if you have? I really want to make this move to Oregon and let myself fully embrace and embody myself, no part left sleeping or ignored. There is something here needing attention for me to fully be free.