Moving

I recently found out that I am now licensed in Oregon to practice psychotherapy. I have been needing a big change for a while now, so applied for licensure finally. The same day I found out, I applied for a couple county jobs knowing it will take time to develop a private practice. I got a call back 2 working days later asking if I would be interested in a Clinical Supervision job instead. Had I seen that one I totally would have applied as I am really digging providing supervision for interns and people working towards licensure in my private practice. Had a great interview via Skype 2 days later and now they are checking references. During the interview I of course did not mention being trans. After the interview I realized that the transcripts I sent were e-copies I got a number of years ago and had my old name on it where as my application had new name and male gender. I felt I needed to call and clarify. My sister who used to work for this organization said you absolutely need to tell them because they have recently contracted people to come and train employees on how to work with the trans population. Hence, it will likely be an asset. So today I called and told one of my interviewers. She seemed to take it with a grain of salt. I, on the other hand, felt my whole body tighten, I was pacing, my hands were shaking when I got off the phone and I have had a stress headache ever since. It was liberating yes and I am relieved to not have to come out like at did at my part time job here. And it totally stresses me out. I realize I need to work on this in therapy. I am proud of who I am, of the me I am finally manifesting and I still get majorly stressed coming out to people. I came out to a trans client not too long ago and I had the exact same reaction. A trans client for gods sake, why would that stress me out? But it literally feels like it is some sort of life threatening act. Do I still carry internalized trans phobia? Is it old childhood shit that I haven’t processed around it not being safe to be me? Is it some past life unresolved stuff? I keep saying it is internalized trans phobia to myself. Whatever it is, I want to work thru it. I want to be open and proud of who I am. I want to be able to educate people. I want to be able to speak freely about this. Right now I cannot do any of these things due to these extreme anxiety attacks. Does anyone else feel this? What do you do with it? How have you worked thru it in yourself, if you have? I really want to make this move to Oregon and let myself fully embrace and embody myself, no part left sleeping or ignored. There is something here needing attention for me to fully be free.

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3 Comments

  1. I’ve never had to call anyone and tell them I’m trans yet, but I know the anxiety that you’re talking about well. I’m much better at coming out via the written word than I am the spoken one for some reason. If I have to tell people, or even think about talking about it I get very worked up with anxiety and stress. I’m not sure what it is exactly either. I attribute a lot of it to lack of self confidence in myself, some to internalized transphobia, a lot to internalized shame, some to just simple fear of rejection. I’m not as confident in myself when speaking as I am when I write. Maybe it’s because the other person can’t contradict and argue with me immediately and it gives everyone a chance to put their thoughts in order. I don’t know. I do feel like learning to speak my truth is a life lesson for me and probably some unresolved past life stuff I need to work on. I hate it though!!! I had a friend back a long time ago who so easily came out as lesbian to anybody and everybody who she talked to with a natural nonchalance that I really admired. It amazed me at how easily she did it. I was still in the closet at that time so it was a great confidence booster for me to see her model how easy it can be and how the world didn’t come crashing down when she did it. I think some of it is just getting used to talking about our personal lives in a way that normalizes it and makes it seem mundane and ordinary…even when we know it isn’t. Jedi mind tricks! Good luck with the job!

    • Yeah it’s true for me to that talking with people I don’t know about very personal stuff is difficult. And I don’t usually do it. I have it in my head this should be different. It isn’t. And it is more loaded. SOops yep. Give me three minutes. So far other than for one person it’s been a relative non issue. Coming out at my jobs have all been non issues and I feel incredibly respected for it. This move holds such significance for me as a new start. Shedding stuff from the past that doesn’t serve me and being fully me with no one again from the past holding me back by any unconscious or conscious preconceived notions of me. This is a part I want to shed. Thanks for sharing your experience around this. It helps to normalize it and feel not so alone in it.

      • I really do wish you luck in the move. I don’t have the ability to do that at this point in my life but I would if I could. A fresh start in a new place sounds so nice and refreshing. I’ve even thought of just moving an hour away from where I live to get a little reprieve but I just can’t do that right now.

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