Refining my sense of self a bit – I do feel myself male physically. And in relation to gender I simply do not believe in it. It’s a hoax. A set of rules created to marginalized woman and empower men. It’s bogus. So on a gender level I am neither male nor female because the notion of different gender norms is a falsity.
There have been a lot of changes during these silent months. I moved to Oregon which proved to be a good and positive move. Other than my sister and her family, few people know me so I get a fresh start as me. It’s been amazing in all. After a big job snafu with the job that brought me out here, I found another job. Better position, better pay, better agency in general and a great team. I was hired as male and am referred to as such 100% of the time. I did come out in my large group interview but my current boss was not there so I do not think she knows. I am clinical supervisor working directly with her. I almost outed myself during a management lunch with her and our other team manager. We were talking about having kids and I almost said something about being past my childbearing years. Realized that’s probably not what a guy would say and found other words.
Anyways … It is an interesting experience to be referred to as he. Something happens on both a brain and mind level that I can most closely refer to as cognitive dissonance. Which has led me into the query of how out as trans nonbinary do I want to be? Is tge disdonance because I am truly non binary and being referred to in the binary? Or is it just new to my ears and will take time to normalize?
I believe it’s some of all of the above and I realize I am liking the ease of just being who I am perceived to be. And I am enjoying the ease of new found male privilege. I really don’t want to disturb that. After 48 yrs of living as a gender nonconforming butch lesbian and fairly constantly being met with micro aggressions it’s nice – really nice – to feel the ease, acceptance and respect I currently feel. I know I am not ready to disturb that by letting all my coworkers know I am trans and nonbinary preferring they them their pronouns.
I feel at peace with this for now. And I recognize that someday if the cognitive dissonance does not resolve I will need to do something different. And I imagine with time under my belt for people to know me better it would be easier to come out.
On a completely different topic and maybe needing a trigger warning (talk of vivid sexual experience)- I recently bought a Pcock wanting to try out a different stp system. I like the look and feel of it better than the one I have now but have been utterly unsuccessful in using it to pee. But one evening listening to tunes and feeling sorta sexy or feeling into some new sense of sexiness that I’ve not experienced before I was moved to put the peacock and harness on. Then I was moved to jack off with it. It rubbed against me in in such a way that I got extremely aroused and had an orgasm. It was intense and unexpected. It has left me curious. Curious about my sexuality. Curious about my anatomy and whether someday I might want/need bottom surgery. Once it improves and has a better chance of leaving me with the ability to really feel and even climax during sex. But I am drawn to penetration. I always have been – enjoying being the one wearing the dildo with my partners. I like receiving too but it’s different. And to penetrate and feel it – I came close with this evening encounter with the peacock and it has me kinda wanting more.
Fascinating and pleasurable self exploration happening on so many levels these days.