Changes and some cognitive dissonance

There have been a lot of changes during these silent months. I moved to Oregon which proved to be a good and positive move. Other than my sister and her family, few people know me so I get a fresh start as me. It’s been amazing in all. After a big job snafu with the job that brought me out here, I found another job. Better position, better pay, better agency in general and a great team. I was hired as male and am referred to as such 100% of the time. I did come out in my large group interview but my current boss was not there so I do not think she knows. I am clinical supervisor working directly with her. I almost outed myself during a management lunch with her and our other team manager. We were talking about having kids and I almost said something about being past my childbearing years. Realized that’s probably not what a guy would say and found other words. 

Anyways … It is an interesting experience to be referred to as he. Something happens on both a brain and mind level that I can most closely refer to as cognitive dissonance. Which has led me into the query of how out as trans nonbinary do I want to be? Is tge disdonance because I am truly non binary and being referred to in the binary? Or is it just new to my ears and will take time to normalize? 

I believe it’s some of all of the above and I realize I am liking the ease of just being who I am perceived to be. And I am enjoying the ease of new found male privilege. I really don’t want to disturb that. After 48 yrs of living as a gender nonconforming butch lesbian and fairly constantly being met with micro aggressions it’s nice – really nice – to feel the ease, acceptance and respect I currently feel. I know I am not ready to disturb that by letting all my coworkers know I am trans and nonbinary preferring they them their pronouns. 

I feel at peace with this for now. And I recognize that someday if the cognitive dissonance does not resolve I will need to do something different. And I imagine with time under my belt for people to know me better it would be easier to come out. 

On a completely different topic and maybe needing a trigger warning (talk of vivid sexual experience)- I recently bought a Pcock wanting to try out a different stp system. I like the look and feel of it better than the one I have now but have been utterly unsuccessful in using it to pee. But one evening listening to tunes and feeling sorta sexy or feeling into some new sense of sexiness that I’ve not experienced before I was moved to put the peacock and harness on. Then I was moved to jack off with it. It rubbed against me in in such a way that I got extremely aroused and had an orgasm. It was intense and unexpected. It has left me curious. Curious about my sexuality. Curious about my anatomy and whether someday I might want/need bottom surgery. Once it improves and has a better chance of leaving me with the ability to really feel and even climax during sex. But I am drawn to penetration. I always have been – enjoying being the one wearing the dildo with my partners. I like receiving too but it’s different. And to penetrate and feel it – I came close with this evening encounter with the peacock and it has me kinda wanting more. 

Fascinating and pleasurable self exploration happening on so many levels these days. 


  1. Ah I am so envious of your fresh start and so glad to hear it’s going well, even with a hiccup or two. I got a taste of the ease of just being me on my last trip and it really did leave me hungering for more of that. Coming home to my mish mash of being gendered correctly by strangers and incorrectly by those who should know better has put me in a nice little depressed funk. I totally get the cognitive dissonance you are feeling. I think it will lessen with time but your attitude of wait and see is very healthy for now. I’m with you on the peecock. It’s totally useless to me as an stp device but not bad for some play. The pleasure part they have now is very nice for the wearer. Good to get an update from you.

    • Thanks and I hear you on the funk. I’m going back to Colorado next week to celebrate my parent 80tg bdays and am not looking forward to it. I anticipate the majority of family will constantly misgender me and use my birth name. That is becoming extremely uncomfortable these days. I imagine coming home in a bit of a funk. And I know I ought not project into the future as who knows maybe the multitude of convos I’ve had explaining the effect misgendering has on me had taken hold. And maybe the beard will be a good reminder I am know longer who they … what is it think I am, want me to be…
      I hope you can find the fresh start you are wanting in a way that works for you. And can experience the wonder of being seen for who you are by all.

  2. I think I get some of the feeling of comfort with being perceived as male. It’s certainly a safe feeling. Like, a layer of armor you can wear at all times. Based on your most recent post, it sounds like you’re certainly exploring your identity a lot! I wish you clarity and comfort along the way 🙂

    I’m also glad you are finding newfound interests and excitement sexually! That’s so exciting! congratulations. I think there are a lot of interesting developments coming down the pipeline for masculinizing bottom surgery and I hope they keep progressing and getting more feasible for people. There are certainly a lot of options and a lot of things to consider.

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